


What Hurts the Most

by amandateaches



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Loss, Reader-Insert, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 16:10:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17227178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandateaches/pseuds/amandateaches
Summary: You try to come to grips with an unimaginable loss.





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> Well, the angst happened, y’all, and I want to go ahead and apologize now for it. This one was inspired by the song What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts, and specifically the music video for that song. There is not a lot of happiness here, so seriously heed the warnings. It’s a rough one. Thanks to @because-imma-lady-assface and @rideandwritethings for encouraging me to go outside of my fluff comfort zone and actually write this. I’m sorry….

As you took that first, tentative step into Dean’s bedroom, you took a deep breath, because it was taking everything you had in you not to completely and utterly break down.

Weeks. It had taken you weeks for you to build up the courage to enter his room again, but, even now, you weren’t sure you could actually go through with it. Closing your eyes to hold in the hot, wet tears that threatened to overflow, you took another shaky step forward, willing yourself to be as strong as Dean, to find a way through this, but, when you neared the bed, his bed, and saw what was waiting there, you had to stop.

Lying there, in the middle, slightly crumpled, like he’d just stripped it off, was one of Dean’s favorite flannels. You reached down and carefully picked it up, your hands shaking as they gripped the familiar material. Letting out a strangled sob, you brought it to your nose, breathing in his scent, as your mind flashed back to the last time he wore it.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Dean, wait!” you laughed as the man pulled you along, one of his long strides taking up three of yours. “Will you just slow down for a second?”

“No can do, Y/N,” he responded without even looking back. You could hear the smile in his voice, however, and it made you glower even more as you raced to keep up with him. “Why don’t you speed up?”

“Why don’t you bite me?” you whispered under your breath, earning a laugh from Dean as he finally slowed, allowing you to catch your breath. “Thank God,” you muttered, leaning over and placing both your hands on your knees. “What in the world is so time sensitive anyway, Dean? You usually only move this fast when we’re hunting. Why all the cloak and dagger secrecy?”

He turned to you and grinned. “You’ll see. Now, come on,” he exclaimed before grabbing your hand and pulling you along again, nearly yanking your arm out of your socket.

“Oh my God, you’re insane,” you gasped as you once again raced to keep up with him, dodging tree branches along the way. You were moving slightly uphill through the forest outside the bunker, going further than you’d ever explored before, but Dean certainly seemed to know where he was going. He was moving along with a determined focus, having been going non stop since he dragged you out of your warm bed nearly an hour ago.

The two of you moved steadily for about another half hour, and just when you were sure you couldn’t take another step, he burst past the last tree line, out into an open field, stopping so suddenly that you ran right into his hard, strong back.

“Ouch,” you grumbled, reaching up and rubbing your nose. “Give a girl a little warning next time, you big jerk. Jeez….”

Dean ignored your complaining and stepped forward, turning back towards you with a giant smile on his face. “Well?” he exclaimed, holding out his arms. “What do you think?”

You took a second to look around at your surroundings, trying to see what Dean saw. You were tired and grumpy, but, even so, you had to admit that the sight that greeted you was absolutely stunning.

You were standing in a large, empty field, it’s overgrown grass sprinkled with wildflowers as far as the eye could see. The sunlight seemed to make the entire landscape sparkle and shine as a gentle breeze swayed the grass around your feet. It was gorgeous, but, despite the beauty, you were still confused. There was nothing here, no buildings, no people. What exactly was Dean showing you?

“I don’t get it,” you answered, your eyes once again meeting Dean’s. “What exactly am I looking at?”

“This!” he shouted, spinning in a circle with his arms wide, his excitement practically overflowing. “What do you think?” he repeated again.

“It’s beautiful,” you answered honestly, a smile appearing on your face as your exhaustion began to fade with each touch of the gentle breeze on you cheek. “But, why are we here?”

Dean’s eyes softened and he took your hand in his, pulling you with him, softly this time, lazily. “Did you know that when I was little, I wanted to be a fireman?”

You balked at that answer, unsure of what it had to do with why Dean had dragged you all the way out here. “No, I didn’t, but I don’t understand what that has to do with…”

“Before my mom died,” Dean said softly, making you fall quiet, “I used to dream of it, of being a hero, of running into fires, of saving people. But, when she….when she was gone, everything changed. After that night, all fire did was give me nightmares. For months, every time I closed my eyes, I saw that fire, I saw my mom, and….all I could think about was how I couldn’t save her.”

You released your breath with a small sigh. “Dean, you were too young, you can’t think…”

He shook his head, stopping you. “I held onto that for a long time, years even, and whenever my dad was away on a hunt, no matter what, I’d always find some time to sneak out to the fire station of whatever crap town we were staying in and just watch them, the firefighters, I mean. I’d watch them and wonder what my life would have been like if she hadn’t died, if we’d had a chance to just be a normal family, you know? Would I have been a firefighter like them? A hero like them?”

You reached up and placed your fingers on his cheek, softly turning his head so he’d look at you, your heart falling at the tears you saw in his eyes. “Dean, you are a hero.”

He smiled softly. “I know that. Now. But, when I was just an angry, lost kid, it was what I held onto, that dream. I pictured our life, our family. I imagined growing up in a stable, loving home, with both my mom and my dad. They’d both be so proud when I put on that firefighter’s uniform for the first time, and, Sammy, Sammy’d be some big-shot lawyer or something, and we’d be happy, really, truly, happy. I’d find a good girl to marry, settle down in a nice big, farmhouse with a couple of kids, and the whole family would come together every Sunday for dinner, no matter what.” He paused. “When I imagined it, I thought it was the perfect life, but I knew it was one that I’d never get to have.”

He hesitated for a moment, gathering himself, and you let him, standing quietly, gently rubbing soft circles over his hand with your thumb. “After a while, I finally accepted that hunting, that was my life, my destiny, and, I was content, happy even, with Sammy and our life, or at least I thought I was.” He took a deep breath. “But, no matter how happy I got, it was never really enough to fill that place in my heart, that part of me that still yearned for that fantasy I’d dreamt up as a child.” He broke off and looked straight at you again, the emotion in his gaze taking your breath away. “Until I met you.”

You gasped softly. “Dean…I….”

You trailed off as he released your hand and stepped forward slowly, quietly staring out across the field, taking in the beauty surrounding you. “I found this place by accident one day, but the moment I saw it, I knew.” He turned back to you and stepped closer, taking both your hands in his. “Y/N, someday, I’m going to leave it all behind, the hunting, the monsters, the demons, all of it. I mean, I’m sure I won’t be able to leave the life entirely, no one can do that, but I want to step aside, let someone else take over the fight, and enjoy whatever time I have left.” He grinned, cradling your hands against his chest. “Time with you.”

You shook your head, suddenly overwhelmed by the magnitude of everything he was saying. “Dean, I don’t understand…”

“I want to build a house right here, Y/N, right here in this field. I want to have that life that I dreamt about: that farmhouse, the kids, the whole nine. I mean, obviously, there’ll be a little extra warding then I originally pictured, but I want it all, with you.”

“Me?” you whispered, unwillingly to believe this was really happening.

“Yeah, Y/N, you.” Dean smiled again, so bright it was blinding. “I love you, Y/N. I love you so damn much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to settle down with you. When I see my future, I don’t see death and pain, I see happiness. I see you.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “My only question is, what do you see?”  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
You hadn’t answered Dean that day, telling him that this was all too much, that you needed time, time to sort everything out. You’d headed back to the bunker, alone, as Dean and Sam left on a hunt, and you’d sat down to gather your thoughts. Not surprisingly, it had only taken a few hours for you to wise up and realize where your heart lied, and, when you finally decided that your future was with Dean, hunting or not, you’d been so excited for him to get back so you could tell him.

But, you never got the chance.

“Dean?!” you yelled, racing to the garage in just a flannel and a pair of sleep shorts, too excited by the sound of the Impala to even bother putting on real clothes. “You’re home!” But, instead of seeing Dean getting out of the car, you were shocked to find Sam closing the driver’s side door, looking like he’d just been through a war. “Sam?! What, what happened?” You looked around for a second before you realized Dean was missing. “Where’s Dean?”

Tears started to fall down Sam’s face, striking fear into your heart before he even had a chance to get the words out. “They…they were waiting for us, Y/N. We didn’t even see the coming. Dean, he….they were too fast. I couldn’t….I couldn’t save him, Y/N.”

“No…” you breathed, disbelief screaming out in your head. He couldn’t be gone, he just couldn’t. “No, Sam. He’s fine, I know he is. Where is he?”

Sam took a deep breath, the tears falling steadily now as he reached for you. “Y/N….”

“NO!” you screamed, leaping back, out of reach. “Where is he, Sam? I want to see him. I want to see Dean. Now.”

Sam closed his eyes and dropped his head, slowly pointing back towards the car. You raced past him and ripped open the back door, a soul-wrenching cry escaping your lips as you saw the man you loved lying there, unmoving. Dropping to your knees, you wrapped your arms around your waist, screaming his name with every ounce of strength you had in your body. You felt Sam come up behind you and take you into his arms, but you fought against him, refusing to accept the truth staring back at you. “No, Sam, no! He can’t be gone! He can’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sam whispered soothing words in your ear and held you tightly as you continued to struggle, railing against him and God and everything in between. But, when the anger finally left you out and you stilled, he did the only thing he could do in that moment: he just held you as you cried, gently rocking you back and forth, as the tears continued to fall…  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
You closed your eyes and released your hold on Dean’s flannel, letting it fall gently to the floor as the memories overtook you. Turning, you raced out of the room and sped down the hallway, past Sam and Cas, who were calling your name, and right out the front door.

Turning, tears blurred your vision, but you didn’t care as you ran as fast as you could into the night. You didn’t know where you were going, only that you had to get away, away from the memories, away from the pain, just away.

You ran until you couldn’t run anymore, and when you finally stopped and looked around to see where you’d ended up, you let out a cry and dropped to your knees.

You were here, in the same field Dean had taken you to, the same field where he’d professed his love for you, promised a future with you, a future that you’d never get to have. You broke down again, even harder this time, the tears falling so fast that you could taste the salt on your lips.

“Why????” you screamed into the night, your face turned up towards the sky. “Why did you have to leave me, Dean?! Why??????? How am I supposed to go on without you, how am I supposed to…..”

Your breath caught and you let the tears rack your body, closing your eyes as your head fell, your hand coming to rest on your stomach, holding onto the slight bump that had started to form there, the only link you had left to the man you loved. To Dean. “I never even got to tell you…” you whispered, your voice getting carried away by that same gentle breeze that had once calmed you. “When I thought of the future, Dean, I saw you. I saw you.”


End file.
